


Quia peccavi nimis

by saturnina



Category: Knightfall (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Blasphemy, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Dark!Gawain, During Canon, Ficlet, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, In retrospect Landry was a dick, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Love/Hate, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Revenge, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:48:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28280409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturnina/pseuds/saturnina
Summary: Landry. Even in thought, his name tasted bitter.
Relationships: Gawain/Landry du Lauzon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4
Collections: Yuletide Madness 2020





	Quia peccavi nimis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thedevilchicken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedevilchicken/gifts).



> ♥ Dear thedevilchicken: I don't think I have managed to fulfil any of your prompts directly, but I hope you still enjoy this Yuletide Treat... An introspective ficlet about our Gawain going over to the Dark Side! Happy Yuletide! ♥

Had he learnt anything during his time as a Knight Templar, he would have known that revenge was seldom as savoury as one expected it to be.

In fact, had he learnt _anything_ as a servant of God, he would have accepted without any protest that neither he nor anyone was meant to drink from the Grail. The Grail was the vessel of God's miracle on Earth, and the finality of its purpose lay well and beyond the shortsighted comprehension of human beings.

But it turned out that Gawain was, after all, a vulgar and unwise man. A sinner like any other, who would even sink as low as to relish the public condemnation of a former brother in arms.

 _Landry_. Even in thought, his name tasted bitter.

Gawain lay alone on his cot, waiting for dawn, when he would finally be granted the command of the newly formed Red Knights. He should be exultant. At long last the scales were tipped in his favour. Landry was to face the consequences of his lust and hubris while Gawain, now able to fight again with the knee brace given by the royal doctor, was ready to fulfil this destiny as a leader, instead of languishing as a deficient pawn to the Templar Order.

So many years of his life he had spent attempting to be just and godly. The pleasures he had denied himself were only surpassed by the pain he had endured after the wound to his leg. But he had stood fast, believing firmly that resolve and faith would eventually deliver him from his calvary. And now, finally, it became clear to him that this was a hopeless world and not a single thing in it, aside perhaps from the animals and the trees, had not already been defiled by sin.

Why should he be any different? Why should he suffer so that his temple master could profane his vows and fornicate, while denying his most faithful brother the one thing that would save him?

 _No more_ , Gawain repeated in his mind like an unholy prayer, allowing hatred to harden his heart piece by broken piece.

He knew Landry awaited for his excommunication and death in the dungeons. And as far as Gawain knew, he had brought it entirely upon himself by his own deeds. But no matter how much bitterness gnawed at his insides, whenever his thoughts strayed to Landry, a part of him—a glimmer of conscience he was coming to detest—could not help but remember their shared past.

So many years ago, in another life. When both still had their faith intact and believed themselves to be the righteous hand of God in a world consumed by heresy. Another time, when they lay side by side in starlit camps, lost in long hushed conversations, closest confidants and brothers in everything but in the flesh.

Gawain would have died for Landry back then. He nearly had. And for what?

His knee ached acutely, as if in response to the memory. He had given Landry everything that he could, considering their limitations as men binded by an oath of faith. And what had Landry granted him in return? 

He closed his eyes and saw Landry's handsome face, his stately gait in white robes, the winsome smile that not even the austerity of a Templar's life could permanently erase. Gawain looked inside himself, deep in that part that still treasured Landry, and realised that long before envy made a sinner of him, an unbrotherly yearning for his fellow knight had already tainted him. 

Landry still lived there, right behind Gawain's eyelids. And sometimes he felt he might gouge his own eyes out, if only it meant releasing himself from the torment of remembrance.

He had no choice but to destroy Landry—both inside and outside of himself. In a feverish fit, he left his chamber and went to the dungeous where he knew Landry was being held. The nightly guard said nothing of it when Gawain asked to be let into the fallen Templar's cell carrying a maul in his hand. 

The guard also kept his silence when Landry's excruciating scream echoed off the cold stones of the dungeon, and when moments after Gawain passed by him, his eyes glazed with something that could have been indifference or tears.

Thus, it was accomplished. There, in his very heart, Gawain ruined the last of himself.

As he walked back to his chamber, Gawain felt the shadows embrace him, and the full realisation of his own fall muted the rawness in his heart. He made his choice at least. He _was_ a sinner. A sinner who would barge into the cell of a disgraced man, a man whom he had loved above all others, above all that was right, to break him further. A sinner who would gleefully unleash upon others all the pain he had been given, in hope to finally abate his own. 

Landry lay in the cell, with nothing to him but a maimed leg and the certainty of his own demise. And if retribution did not exactly ease Gawain's constant physical pain, it allowed him to fully incarnate that which he felt he had no choice but to become. A man whose faith was measured by the edge of his sword, and nothing else.

In his newfound darkness, Gawain could finally appraise himself with honesty. He had helped condemn the man he loved to burn at the stake. In doing so, he had also condemned himself to bear witness to it. And if he now spurned God's salvation, it was only because there was nothing of his soul left to save.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Disclaimer:** None of the characters mentioned in this fanfic belong to me, and nothing said here about them is true. No copyright infringement is intended.


End file.
